I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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