I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
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He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
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Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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