Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I did not marry a roomba.
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