I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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