I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
