last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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