How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
