I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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