I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
