Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
