Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
