where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
