Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
