i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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