Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
