someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
