do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
