I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
