Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
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