Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
