is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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