Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
