we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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