Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
