I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
