I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
