On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
