Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
