May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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