So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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