Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
And then he peed in my hair
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