Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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