I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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