We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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