What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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