So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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