Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
