so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
