i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
