I need help removing her.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
