We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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