I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
