wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Be still, my beating vagina.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
