Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
