So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
