i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
