im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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