woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
