Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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