I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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