I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
