Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
