I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
