What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
