My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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