a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
