Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I think your dad took our porno
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
